Let it go!
by mic
Summary: One night Harm has all he can stand of the images of Mac and Webb together. I apologize for the format it is not like that on my computer


Harm's apt. ...  
  
Harm had just returned that morning from his last mission and was settling in for a   
  
evening alone with his guitar and memories. He couldn't stop thinking about Mac  
  
and what she said in Paraguay. He thought about everything he should have said,  
  
everything he would have said had he known he wouldn't be a JAG any longer.  
  
He kept imagining Webb holding Mac. The harder he tried not to think about it  
  
the more he thought about it and the more vivid his imagination. When he could   
  
stand it no longer, he felt as thought if it possible he would explode, he rared back,   
  
let out a "Damn her!"and slung the beer bottle he was holding and heard a satisfactory  
  
bust against the door, just as he heard a knock .  
  
He opened the door to find Mac standing there looking a little distraught. "Speak  
  
of the Devil. What do you need Mac?"  
  
A little confused Mac asks "What was that? Did I interrupt something? Do you have   
  
company?"  
  
"Nothing, no and no. I'm just not in the mood to entertain, can I help  
  
you with something Mac." Harm states a little shitty.  
  
Mac pushes on by and sees the broken bottle mess on the floor. "So your new  
  
job not all you expected." she says a little sarcastically.  
  
"What?" Harm asks totally thrown from his former train of thought  
  
"You new job with the CIA Harm, you know the one you couldn't even  
  
tell me about. I thought that I was your friend Harm! Since we've been back  
  
from Paraguay you have hardly said 2 words to me." Mac returns feeling   
  
wounded by being shut out.  
  
"Listen Mac I've been busy and I thought that Webb would tell you with how  
  
close you two are, so unless there something other than my job you want,I am   
  
tired and not in the mood for company." Harm says a little shitty.  
  
"Harm, I thought we were friend, friends don't shut out friends." Mac stated innocently  
  
Unable to contain himself any longer "What do you want from me Mac?"  
  
"Harm where is this coming from?" Mac still playing the innocent  
  
"Friend! For Christ sake Mac. I thought....I just cant do this again. I can't be you   
  
friend. I can't just stand by and watch why you fall in love with another man. I can't  
  
be happy for you and smile when I see you together and know that he's taking you  
  
home at night. I just can't do it Mac" Harm says a little choked up and exhausted  
  
"Harm, I..." Mac begins  
  
"No Mac you said everything you had to say in Paraguay, now it's my turn. I have  
  
done a lot of thinking, and for years now you have been blaming me for everything  
  
wrong in this relationship, and that's just not true and it hasn't been since Mic left. I was   
  
willing to go the distance and you walked away and shut me out every time I   
  
tried to talk to you. It's been 2 years and your still doing it Mac. You once said  
  
to me that you seen a man afraid of loosing control, well your just as afraid as I was.   
  
I'm not them Mac. I don't see you as a beautiful object I can do what I want with and  
  
leave, I would never use you like that. I thought you knew me better. I would rather  
  
cut out my own heart than break yours like that. I know that you know how I feel,   
  
deep down inside you know, hell everyone knows, but you keep playing these games,  
  
every time I get close to telling you you shut me down, you are just as afraid to hear it   
  
as I was to say it. But you know something I'm not afraid anymore, hell I haven't gotten  
  
anything to be afraid of, as far as your concerned we don't stand a chance, and   
  
I can't stand by while you make love to another man. So here it is , I'm just sorry it   
  
doesn't matter, I love you Sara, I don't know when it started but its been there so long  
  
I don't remember it not being there and can't imagine my life without it. Your everything  
  
that I have ever wanted. You make me better and more importantly you make me  
  
want to be better. When I am with you I feel like there is nothing that we couldn't do   
  
together. Your with me everywhere I go. My heart skips when I'm walking down the   
  
street and pass a woman wearing your perfume. Your in my dreams at night. I have   
  
found myself looking at other women and seeing you, hell once I even called Renae   
  
Mac when she came out of the shower in nothing but a towel, and I wanted nothing more  
  
than to make love right then and there..."he lets out a little chuckle feeling the weight of  
  
a thousand bricks lifting and for the first time he looks directly into Mac's eyes "You   
  
know you were wrong Mac, I don't want to be on top, I just want to be with you, side  
  
by side" he stands there for a long time just looking at her, he can see the tears filling  
  
her eyes and wants to reach out and wipe them away but stops himself afraid of the  
  
pain of touching her and not being able to hold her would cause. In order to divert   
  
his attention he asks "Well?"  
  
"Harm, I... I'm sorry...." was all she could get out  
  
Harm feeling all of the wounded pride and not willing to go through the "we can still be  
  
friend" speech blurts "What ever Mac, you can have him if he means that much to you.   
  
You can let yourself out." and he storms out the door.  
  
2 hrs. later Harm's apt.************************************************************************  
  
Harm enters his apt. feeling completely wore out, all he wanted to do was pass out and   
  
forget about the evenings events. Forget about how Mac just stood there after he   
  
confessed his feelings, he never could imagine anything hurting as badly. He couldn't   
  
Believe that he had been so wrong about her feelings for him. "Damn it, Mac, damn it."  
  
he whispers to himself as he heads toward the bed.  
  
"Damn me for what?"  
  
Harm turns with a jerk "I thought that you would have left by now."  
  
"We didn't get to finish our conversation, and I think that it has waited long enough" Mac  
  
stated firmly  
  
"Thanks but no thanks, I'm just not up for the old we can still be friends speech." Harm   
  
says exhausted then he turns to head to bedroom and undress as though she wasn't even   
  
there.  
  
"What makes you so sure that that's what I was going to say?" Mac calls from the   
  
living room as she starts to follow him  
  
"Because you didn't say anything else." Harm says hardly putting forth the effort to say the   
  
words as he pulls off his shirt  
  
"What?" Mac asks as she enters his bedroom a little taken back by the sight of his bare   
  
chest  
  
"I said because you didn't say anything else." Harm says exhausted and still   
  
not caring that she was there as he undid the top button of his jeans  
  
"What if I said that you were right, I am scared, and I have been playing games,  
  
I just never knew it. I am afraid that if we tried and we failed I would never  
  
be able to pick the piece up. All of the other men in my life, maybe they did use  
  
me but I used them to, I never loved them, not truly, not with my hole heart, I   
  
just didn't want to be alone. But you, I don't know how, but you got in and I   
  
have tried, God knows I've tried, to keep this wall I have built around my   
  
heart from falling. Harm, I've seen what two people who love each other can  
  
do to one another and I don't want that...."Mac says through tears  
  
Harm walks over and cups Macs face and wipes away the tears "I would  
  
never hurt you the way your father did your mother..."  
  
"I know, its not you I'm afraid of Harm, it's me. What if I turn out like that?"   
  
Mac whispers  
  
"You could never end up like them Sara. Never. Your too good, and strong,  
  
and caring. No matter what the situation you would never resort to violence the   
  
way your parents did."  
  
"I love you Harm" Mac whispers  
  
That was all Harm needed he gently pulled her to him and placed a gentile  
  
kiss on her lips. She hungrily returned his affection and closed any distance  
  
that was left between them. Like a volcano erupting their love poured over   
  
one another until they were on the bed fulfilling the fantasies that they have both  
  
had over the years. 


End file.
